Zachariah Porter Has Met Your Mother
On lying his way into an Ivy League job, getting heckled into a popcorn bucket, and why Jameela Jamil is full of it.
I say this with so much love, but if you don’t follow Zachariah Porter — the genius turning every woman you’ve ever worked retail with into a five-minute character study — I don’t think I can take our relationship any further. Actually, no… I’m jealous that you get to fall down the Zachariah rabbit hole for the first time.
He makes me laugh, laugh, laugh with the characters he conjures — the exact type of women I’m dying to hang out with. Favorites include: The one time you decide to get Subway, Mom before the beach, and The cousin you only see on holidays.
We met on the West Side Highway on a weekday afternoon, right when spring turned to summer. I was thrilled to see Zachariah arrive with his boyfriend — now fiancé! — Jonathan, who served as chief lighting designer. I wanted to ditch flash for a gold reflector, which is (part of) how Zachariah is glowing so wonderfully in the photos. We took photos, talked, laughed — the exact kind of afternoon that reminds me why I started this thing in the first place. Here he is.
Were you popular in high school? Did you win any superlatives?
This is going to sound insufferable, but yes, I was. I won a couple. I won Most Likely to Be Famous, which did kind of speak truth to me, and Most Talkative. I wanted Class Clown, but I didn’t get it — someone kept erasing my name and writing theirs in instead. His name is Nolan Canberra. Don’t redact that.
What — or who — is the biggest inspiration for your videos?
People I’m around. Someone shopping, or someone cutting me off in a car. I’m not inspired by TV as much as by real people — specifically, women of a certain age. I was raised by women, and I’ve surrounded myself with women at every job I’ve had. Restaurants were big for me; I was always a restaurant worker. I’d still be a server and a bartender if I weren’t doing this. Happily.
What’s the worst job you’ve ever had?
Brown University. I lied to get the job — I said I had experience with Microsoft Excel. This was before ChatGPT, so you couldn’t fake that; you had to actually know it. It was just me panicking every day, Googling how to do things until they caught on. But they still needed a body in the seat. So technically I have Ivy League experience now. Like Emma Watson.
What’s bringing you the most joy right now?
Real Housewives of Rhode Island. It’s brand new — we’re only about five episodes in as we record this — and it’s so good. Every Bravo show does this, but they say everything sixteen times, so you can leave the room, come back an hour and a half later, and you’ve missed nothing. It’s soothing. I’m obsessed.
How do you think you got so funny?
That’s a sweet question — I’m still shocked anyone wants to listen. I think it comes from being the youngest and needing attention. And from growing up very flamboyant: I had to make people laugh, which a lot of queer people relate to. I think it made me faster. Quicker.
Who was your favorite teacher?
Mr. Grillo, my Spanish teacher. He was four foot eleven and looked like he could make a really good pizza. He just loved me — he thought everything I did was silly and funny, and he championed my rowdiness. He still reaches out on Facebook. He’ll message me, “I’ve seen your videos.” I think everyone from back then is happy I did something with it. I was so rowdy that it all kind of makes sense to them now.
Do you pick guys out of the crowd and wait until you get a laugh?
Sometimes. A lot of the men who are there have been dragged along, and I’ve called certain ones out or flirted with them in character. When they love it, it’s great; when they freeze up and get uncomfortable, I feel terrible — that wasn’t the point. And there’s nothing worse than getting nothing back. That deer-in-headlights thing — I’d almost rather they heckle me.
A lot of people drink at my shows, so I get more positive heckling than mean heckling, but it can tip into chaos. I once had a woman throw up into her popcorn bucket — after spending half the show asking to see my pussy.
And in Denver a woman got so drunk she had to be removed; I couldn’t even see her, she was so far back, but people DMed me afterward saying she’d been carried out on a stretcher. The show let out while she was still in the lobby, so everyone leaving was patting her shoulder going, “Feel better,” and she was just waving back. Mama’s night out.
If you were a color, which one — and why?
Sky blue. I think my personality is bright — there’s a lot of energy to it. People are sometimes surprised because they expect something more intense, but that’s how I see it. And before anyone asks, I don’t read color as gendered; I’ve never defaulted to blue as a “boy” thing.
Best season, and why?
Winter, easily. I love the cold and the reset it brings — there’s a peace to it, a slow-down. It gets a bad rap, and I understand why, but I love the snow and even the dark. My best ideas and my best moments tend to come in those down seasons, when I can figure out what’s next. The rest of the year there’s so much pressure to maximize and do everything, but winter is when I can actually lock in. I get my best flow when I’m alone.
Developed and scanned in partnership with Nice Film Club
One Hour Photo Creative Production: Carly Kane
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He’s got a story about Jameela Jamil. It’s a good one.